Grace should be my middle name.

Location: United States

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Where the Heart Is

This weekend, I returned from a most splendid trip north. It was a lot for me because I was entering into a climate where I had to not only wear socks, but also sweaters and jackets and scarves and hats. And those socks I was wearing, they weren't just socks. They weren't even just wool socks. They were battery operated electric socks. And yes, they worked well.

I could write about a million things from this weekend, but the only thing, except for a bulleted list of highlights that I seem capable of discussing right now is the coming home part.

Seven months ago I was coming home after more unpleasantness than I’d ever seen. I loaded up my mother’s minivan with artwork, furniture and belongings all by myself, put in a Beach Boys CD and never looked back. The job was so boring, I left it. The mattress didn’t fit, so I left it. The fish was too hard to transport, so I left it. I escaped anything or anyway that he could haunt me. I couldn’t see out the rearview mirror. But I felt a slight sense of girl-power as I went numbly through those motions.

And when I got home, I began a few months of recuperation and detox. I was relieved and thankful and happy. But I was not only numb, but shell-shocked and traumatized.

It had all happened so fast. New place. New job. New life. Almost all in one fell swoop. I was lucky and blessed by a miracle to have been saved. There were many tearful phone calls. There was a lot of painful memories. There were long baths, lots of prayer and only one bottle of wine by myself.

Coming home that day and all the days I came home for the next few months from various excursions, vacations, and hurricane evacuations, it was like being woken up from a day dream in class when your teacher calls on you out of the blue and it takes you a few seconds to figure out what he’s talking about and then you totally catch on, answer correctly and things continue as if you had never even day-dreamed in the first place. But there was that split second of, "What the hell is going on?" Even though you're pretty good at playing that off.

This time was different. This time, I felt like I knew where I was and I knew what to do and I didn’t miss a beat when I came back. Life continued and I was a part of it. I came home and it felt like home. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like that.

The last place I called home, for almost two years, never felt right. For the first half, I was trying to find my place in a maze that didn’t seem to want me, and that I, quite honestly, didn’t want very much either. For the second half, I was doing the “coming home” thing a lot. So much so that that home felt more like a hideout from the out-of-town realities that demanded so much of myself.

So this weekend when my plane landed and I said goodbye to the nice grandfatherly man I sat next to, I knew where I was going and what I was going home to. And I liked it. And it felt good.

And somewhere between that home-coming, a fall up the stairs, a drenched cell phone, torn pants and a skinned knee, this week, I realized I was back. That I felt like the Grace Aplenty I was before things got lost and sad and confusing. I am myself, with both the fabulousness and the flaws. I’m not saying I’m great. I’m not saying I’m incapable of being sad. I’m not saying I’m healed. I’m not saying I’m not affected by the last year.

I’m saying that from the beginning of all this, I’ve known in my head that I was where I should be. And now, I think, for the first time, I'm positive that my heart knows that too.


Blogger Einstein said...

dear God in heaven - i'm tearing up no for real not to make fun. thanks for the reminder to remember to feel each day and not just go through the motions.

you've come a long way baby. and you should be proud. no regrets. the lessons you've learned are invaluable and besides we all grew closer bc of it. you're the best.

12:00 PM  
Blogger Ruthie said...

Good blog, Grace; I like it a lot.
Maybe if I get to blogging about last weekend (though it is doubtful) I'll mention the yummy philly cheesesteaks we had!

10:22 PM  
Blogger getamac said...

Wow, yes I definitely agree that was a fantastic and heartfelt post.
You rock Grace, and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

1:16 AM  
Blogger Earnest said...

im so glad that you are happy with the way things are going...even in the midst of my exams i can also say that im much happier now than i was a year ago!!! good times! we rule

1:08 AM  
Blogger Beatrix Kiddo said...

viva la grace.

here's to growing up and only getting better with age...

2:39 PM  

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