Grace should be my middle name.

Location: United States

Saturday, November 27, 2004

What You Might Have Heard If You Were Out With Me Last Night...

Scene One

Acquaintances #1 and #1 of a friend who Grace was just introduced to: Ok, so tell us ALL the dirt on her!

Me: Dirt...hmmm...dirt...

Acquaintance #1: Yeah, the DIRT!

Me: I don't know...

Acquaintance #2: Come on, something really good!

Me (having absolutely no idea, because my friend doesn't DO dirt): Well, when she was like in second grade she was Marta in the Sound of Music.

Acquaintance #1: Marta? Which one is that?

Me: One of the little girls.

Acquaintance #2: Oh, ok...well, who were you? Gretel? Maria? No no, you were one of those Nazi soldiers!

Acquaintance #1: Oh yeah, she was totally a Nazi soldier!

Me (in what you will find to be a failed attempt in being funny): No, I was actually a nun...chuckle chuckle.

Acquaintance #1 and #2: Oh, I could TOTALLY see you as a nun!

Me (to friend who has not heard conversation that just transpired): They told me they could see me being a nun and I just met them 30 seconds ago!

Friend to acquaintances: No, no, Grace likes boys.

Scene Two:

Guy is making moves and succeeding with trashy looking female with old school Victoria's Secret thong underwear totally hanging out of the back of her low-rise jeans...and not in a good way, if that even exists.

Others snicker at the table. Friend says, "I'm about 4 seconds away from making a laser eye surgery joke."

I laugh. Other guy at the table says, "What?"

I repeat for her, "laser eye surgery".

Guy says, "I know, I heard what she said, I just don't get it."

10 second pause where friend and I look at each other and with our eyes say, "You have GOT to be kidding me."

"Oh, like he needs his eyes repaired because she's so ugly?"

Scene Three:

My friend and I return to the table after taking a lap around the bar while guy has watched my purse for me.

Guy: You let me watch your purse. I very well could have gone through it to see if you had any condoms in it.

Me: !!!! (followed by uncontrollable laughter)

Guy is, of course, confused.

Friend: Condoms are the last thing you'd find in Grace's purse. Is anyone in the mood for some hot fudge milk shakes from Steak and Shake?

Guy: Wait, wait, wait, are you just going to let her change the subject after saying that you don't get any tail?! That wasn't cool!

Me: !!! (more laughing)

Guy (will NOT give it up): Come on, you can't let her get away with saying you can't score!

Me: !!! (more laughing because have absolutely no idea how to explain why this whole conversation is completely ridiculous to be discussing with me and if this poor tool even KNEW, he would die, just die)

Friend: What I'm saying is that Grace is absolutely the last person to F---.

Me (thinking, GREAT SAVE and GOOD CALL!): YES!

Guy: Hmmmm, Ok.


Blogger Earnest said...

im noticing a trend in your conversations last night...

1:18 AM  

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