Grace should be my middle name.

Location: United States

Thursday, November 04, 2004


I have a friend who's time is up in getting her “ode”. This is Beatrix’s week in more than one way. Not only does she get the privilege of being featured here at graceaplenty, but she’s also doing something pretty damn cool.

Now, I don’t know a lot about things like big pep rallies at really big universities that wear complementary colors. But I know Beatrix is in charge of one that is happening in one week. And I also know that when I go visiting and my friend is on The List to get inside The Bar with no cover Always, I think that probably means something. Oh, and it's not just ON the list, it's at the TOP of the list. And, she can just say, "She's with me," and I get in too. Obviously this being in charge of a really huge pep rally in a college town is big. You know, context clues, I catch them.

So in honor of her big week where she moves into her very own hotel room, plays Halo 2 on a 35 foot screen, rides in a convertible and waves in a parade, and all her hard work and ass-kicking culminate into a fabulous production, I give you Beatrix:

When I first met Beatrix, my sister and I were waiting for our father to pick us up from a rained out tennis clinic. She was, in my memory, just a smaller, 7th grade version of herself now. I think she definitely dropped and F-bomb or two and ruthlessly made fun of some dirty little white-trash boys who had lost their bird named Sharp Tooth (or was it Shark Tooth?) in the park. By the way, who DOES that? Take their Cockatiel to a PARK? And opens the CAGE? They totally deserved the making fun. Ok, I digress...

Probably a year later, when she heard the name of my 6th grade teacher was Sister Mary Kay Moran, she said, “I think her name is Sister Mary Kay Moron,” she couldn't have been more accurate. I mean, I GUESS she could have if she had called her Sister Hairy Gay Moron before ever meeting her. But THAT would have been uncanny and psychic.

Beatrix and I kept each other posted regularly throughout high school and even more throughout college. Beatrix says things like “You don’t go back for seconds if the buffet sucks” when referring to kissing and “The Mary Tyler Moore Phase” when referring to getting a job and an act together, and both make me laugh.

A few years back, she pulled a bushwhack on I-10 at 70mph with me in the passenger seat that almost scarred me for life. Six months ago, when she did it on the Florida Turnpike, I guess I took the second a little better because 2 days later, I was pulling the same stunt in almost exactly the same place while driving HER car. Is her car? Is it her? Who could know? I do know it was sort of refreshing to let go of my granny-style driving for a nanosecond. But I honestly didn't have much of a choice.

Beatrix is the first person to want to set me up, which was totally cool. It was cool because not only was it motivated by fear of me never speaking to another boy again, but also because she thought it was a good match. But hey, that’s what you do for friends. By the way, you can send your deepest desires in a mate toward my comment box and we’ll see what she can do for you.

Over the years, Beatrix has taught me a lot of things about Marc Jacobs, Elizabeth W, Vera Bradley and Toile. Dude, I didn’t even know what Toile was until she wore some recently and called it that. I’m good with context clues, remember? Dude, I just had to google that to spell toile. That's some crazy spelling!

Once I drove 2.4 hours just to hang out with Beatrix for a night because I couldn’t deal with my own drama sans panic attack and she was totally cool with it. She said to me that day, “The bullshit needs to come to a screeching halt,” (not referring to my bullshit, but to another's) and that made everything much, much better. Of course, I still had to return to the drama, but those little things make a difference. It also makes a difference when Beatrix calls a spade a spade, especially when she uses the words He, Is and F***er, instead of the words He, Is, and Spade.

Beatrix can hold her liquor like a lady in her Lilly Pulitzer dress, and that’s exactly what she is. Except for that one birthday. But we all have that one time, right?

She understands the power of Sonic. She’s into TLC. And she is one of the multitude who came to Amelie through me. She and only a select group of others, NOT including my sister (who fell asleep) can count themselves lucky to have seen Amelie with me in the theater. She was either time #3 or #4. Regardless, this is a notable fact.

She also gets a some sort of superlative for being “Understanding-of-Horribly-Ditsy-Grace-Moments”, which all of my friend are. But wow, if you can drive 4 hours north with someone, get to where her car is parked, only for her to realize that her keys are not in her possession, but 4 hours SOUTH, and when she notified you of this, you just wash your face, toss her the keys to your car and say, "Let's go!", well, then you definitely deserve some sort of award.

You should definitely have a friend like Beatrix. I mean, how many people can say they are friends with someone who starred in a school production of The Sound of Music as Marta Von Trapp back when she was in elementary school?


Blogger Beatrix Kiddo said...

you rock my world.

and, wow, did i just have the longest day ever....

you're the greatest...

1:00 AM  
Blogger Ruthie said...

Dude- It totally counts that I went to see Amelie with you even though I fell asleep. It's not my fault you took me to see it the day I finished finals! I was exhausted! Although, it's funny that you mentioned my falling asleep in movies, because I definitely fell asleep in one last weekend--The Saw. Yes, it was a horror film, but the 8 other people I went with agreed it was crappy. I hope I have not inherited my dad's movie-sleeping habits!

1:32 PM  
Blogger Einstein said...

beatrix comes up with the wittiest expressions I've ever heard. i burst at the seams from all the laughter she brings.

4:16 PM  

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