Grace should be my middle name.

Location: United States

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

The Pefect 10

Normally I shy away from talking about dating at all on this site. Maybe it's this nice October weather, or maybe it's wishful thinking. But it's probably the fact that my other blogger buddies keep talking about it this week, so I'm going to join in.

I'm thinking about designing a date. If I were to design an absolutely perfect date, it would be like this...not a FIRST date, mind you, because seriously, what do those really mean? You do dinner, you talk, you see if each other have some ragingly horrible factor. You're also on perfect behavior. You use manners and please and thank you. You're pleasant. You're witty. You open the car door for the girl or you unlock the drivers' side door for him. It's all so calculated and formulaic. Sure, a first date counts for something for screening purposes and it's always nice to have a little something unique. But a first date is a first's what comes after that that counts.

So I would like to take this opportunity to design a tenth date. Because, let's face it, by date ten, that's when things are getting really fun. You don't stick around for 10 dates if the other person is questionable or really gross or something. I mean, theoretically we don't. Well, I mean, most people don't. Not that I should be speaking on that subject, I guess. I know what you're thinking! Dude, sometimes it TAKES getting engaged to realize how horrible something or someone is! But I digress...

The Perfect 10 Guy On My Perfect 10 Date:

Since you're perfect, and we're perfect, you of course live precisely 20 minutes away. I want you close, but not too close. You love where you live, the weather, the sun, the fun, since, of course I love it too. And I'm not moving, oh hell no, I'm not moving. There are only 2 people I'd move for in this world and neither of them is you. You are of COURSE, either exactly my age or no more than 4 years older than me...closer to my age the better, I think. No questions, no discussion. You have a job, a good job, a job you love. But it's also a job that's not too time consuming. Because we're going to have some fun weekends and evenings. No interfering in that.

Of course, you have to have at LEAST a bachelors degree, preferably obtained in 4 years, but I might understand 5 years if you were at Division I swimmer or something and spent one year preparing for the Olympics - but that's the only excuse I'm accepting. You like sports: watching and playing. You also like games, and you think that MY drinking games are the best - especially Nell's Dog.

Oh! You're a practicing Catholic and you love JPII and everything he says...EVERYTHING. You're also really fun to drink with because you're all about good clean fun with alcohol. You also appreciate good art...none of that Thomas Kinkaid shit...and good music and good books and good movies. You think Amelie is the most stunning example of film you have ever seen. The part where she washes away into a puddle of water makes you tear up inside and the gnome makes you laugh. You also have opinions about postmodernism and think that even though Andy Warhol was a super freak, he had some pretty good ideas. We'll talk for hours about this, of course, but we're getting ahead of ourselves.

The Perfect 10 Me:

I'm running every day and playing tennis at least once a week so I'm looking pretty tan and in shape. But not too in shape because I like Cheese-Its and chocolate chip cookies from Publix a lot. So of course, I'm looking stunning in my beautiful white and black skirt that I am DYING to wear and that I try on at least once a week because I've owned it for 2 months and haven't gotten to wear it yet.

Anyways! That's what I'm wearing, along with my tallest pair of black strappy shoes. I'm wearing those shoes no matter WHAT, I don't care what Al or TS says. I don't give a rat's ass, guys, I have boundaries now. I'm wearing my big and pretty black beaded necklace and my bangs are about .5 inches longer than they are now and the swoop is spectacular.

I have told Mr. 10 enough about what I believe in to make him think I'm a really nice girl, but I've also told him enough stories about hurricanes and plastic chickens and spring formals and water balloons to make him wonder, "Am I a nice enough guy for this I fun enough for this girl...I can't figure her out, but I'm dying to!"

The Dirt:

So pre date 10, yes, we've kissed a couple times. Neither of us are puritans, Ok? But there's been no muggin' down, as yet. The anticipation is killing both of us. Just wait though, it'll be GOOD.

The Perfect 10 Night:

It's a Thursday night either in the spring or the fall. Those, in my opinion, are my best seasons. But I could be open to changing that. Anyway, it's Thursday night and since I've been out with Mr. Olympic-Swimmer-Perfect-10 nine times before, I'm not that upset about missing the OC. But don't worry, I'll have the tapes going.

I'll have already delighted him with stories about Rome so on Monday, he suggests that he take me to that little Italian Bistro right near the bridge. He picks me up about 5-10 minutes late, just enough so that I'm sort of worried and sort of freaking out, because that just adds to the drama of the situation. Also, he thinks I'm sort of cute when I'm flustered. He tells me I look pretty. Not beautiful. This isn't date 25, ok? He wouldn't want to be too forward and embarrass me or make me feel self-conscious. It happens easily. But he brings me flowers for the first time tonight. And they're TOTALLY NOT just the picked up kind from Publix. But they're not overdone either. After all, this is date 10 and it's not my birthday or anything.

We step into his non-Crysler-vehicle, and of COURSE he has opened the door. He might have the radio on an oldies station or you might have a CD in, but it's just background to the delightful conversation we're having. The restaurant is small and very authentic and he orders a spectacular bottle of red wine. I'm a little concerned about this beautiful white knee length skirt with black trim getting red wine spilled on it, but since this is a perfect 10 date, there will be none of that. The conversation is light and funny.

After dinner, he drives me back to my apartment, but it's only like 9 pm and though I'm desperately wanting to make-out, I'm a lady and a little nervous, AND you're a gentleman, so I make some suggestions. I suggest that we feed the ducks in the lake while on a stroll over to the neighborhood bar since I LOVE feeding ducks and since I've been DYING to take the .4 mile walk to that neighborhood bar down the street that looks so happening, but that I haven't gotten to do it yet because when I suggested it to my parents last weekend, they thought that 8 pm was too late and they needed to go home. Boring. But I digress.

He thinks a .4 mile stroll to the bar is a spectacular idea and so we go. We have a few beers and then because it's a Thursday night and I have to be bright-eyed for my sixth graders tomorrow, I say, "Well, I really need to be getting my beauty sleep." He, of course, catches this Meet Me In St. Louis reference because he is my Mr. Perfect 10. If he says, "Oh, Miss Grace, I don't think you need any beauty sleep, if you don't mind me saying so," It will be cute and witty and charming and not make-you-want-to-puke-it's-so-sweet. Inside, I might swoon, but I'll keep that to myself. He is utterly disappointed to be peeled away from my company, but he keeps this all to himself and we walk back to my apartment in sweet silence.

The silence is sweet because we've had such a nice evening. But also, because we've shared an open-mouthed kiss or two and really liked it. AND both of us are hoping for more than your average open-mouth-kiss. He walks me to the door, says he'll call me tomorrow. And then neither of us are disappointed by the more-than-open-mouth-kiss we share outside my door.

When I go inside, I almost completely loose my shit because I KNOW this was a perfect 10 date...and I might, I just might, call up both Al and El on 3-way and tell them all about it.


Blogger getamac said...

I think the funniest part about the date is how you specified that you'd be getting in a "non-Chrysler" vehicle. I think I know who has influenced you to make that choice :-P

11:05 PM  
Blogger Grace said...

Ha! Glad you caught that! Man, at least I didn't specify that he drives a Volvo....but I definitely considered it!

11:17 PM  
Blogger Earnest said...

1st: we all know what you REALLY wanted to say when you said non-crysler...its okay you can say it...i know..
2nd: dude its your 10th date and he cant say you look beautiful rather its more appropriate to say pretty??? call bullshit
3rd: i dont want to ever read you write "more-that-open-mouth-kiss" ever again..its just creepy the way you say it...cant you just say kiss...or great kiss...or intense kiss...i dono...
4th: EVERYBODY knows the beauty sleep line; however, only lossers and really really old people can name the movie its from...
5th: nell's dog is not fun...ever...

11:58 PM  
Blogger Einstein said...

OMG that was hysterical - I'm with earnest on the "more than open mouth kiss" why don't you just come out and say be tacky and say tongueing or be lady like and say french kiss. French kiss is not a bad word so by all means employ that venacular.

I have always been a proponent of skipping the first several dates and going right into spectacularily comfortable, you make me laugh hysterically, and I lose all since of time when i'm with you. yeah that's what i want. i'm tired of second guessing what he's thinking, worrying about being perfect, etc. . . anyway well put grace love the story

4:11 PM  
Blogger Earnest said...

dude im still kinda disgusted by your more than open mouth kiss comment...i had forgotten about it...but was reminded my al's comments....jesus i need to take a drill to my head to that out...btw...what pretell is "more-than" an opened _________ yada yada "more than" just your way of saying 2nd base??

4:42 PM  
Blogger Grace said...

Ok, apparently this has been a problem for EVERYONE. When I say open mouth kiss, I mean, not just a peck, but no tounge. When I said more-than open mouth kiss, I meant tounge...french kissing...making out...muggin' second base, unless that's what you consider second base. Dude, we were outside my "couching" Just a passionate and carnal tounge action.

7:11 PM  
Blogger Annie said...

Wow! Loved the story! Totally going to have to agree with the grossed out factor of the comment"more than open mouth kissing!" hahaha too funny! Oh Gracie! haha

7:14 PM  
Blogger Grace said...

1. Nell's dog is always fun. Always. I could spout off more occasions of it's hillarity than parties I had in college.

2. I'm not getting this whole "grossed out" by the open mouth kiss phrase. It's so much more descriptive than "tongue" and using "french" is just so eighth grade. I thought for some of those who love Seinfeld so much, that they would like that phrase. Sheesh. Furthermore, TS agrees with me and HE was an English major...and none of YOU were. Even though he refuses to use any of those English skills and COMMENT ON MY BLOG, I think that should count for something.

3. I can totally understand wanting to skip stuff and cut right to loosing all sense of time and space and rational thought. Dude, I've been there! I've done it! And it's really fun for a while...but need I remind you of 6 months ago and the tragic person who would tie up your phones for hours on end? Yeah. Thought so. Al, you want the perfect me.

10:20 PM  
Blogger Beatrix Kiddo said...

Okay... you guys are all overreacting to the getting play thing. I mean, really. Most people, by the tenth date, are doing the kind of stuff that would give you catholic colle types a full-fledged coronary. As in, most college guys "punt on fourth down." (Especially at southern schools with multimillion dollar football programs.)

12:06 AM  
Blogger Einstein said...

ok I really don't care what TS elliot has to say on the matter. Who died and made him God. Being an english major doesn't make you hemmingway. it only qualifies you to speak and write massive amounts of bullshit.
:-) The more than open mouthed kiss sounds revolting please choose a different expression. I can't take it any more. there's something about it that sends shivers down my back.

earnest do you even know what second base is? :-)

beatrix - yeah you're right that's why the "wild fire" is spreading so quickly. that alone certainly makes me choose carefully when finding a husband. men with the fire need not apply -

3:41 PM  
Blogger Einstein said...

all you fools

direct your browser to

4:26 PM  
Blogger Earnest said...

LISTEN AL! im fully aware of what 2nd base is...hence my question to "MORE-THAN opened mouth kiss" The joke was to incinuate that more than could desrcribe many things...though if you are still unsure about 2nd base, i can show you...
Beatrix, i agree i think grace is a prude and a tease...she always has been...i mean come on 10 dates and you are still trying to figure out lip-placement...give me a break! what is with this little house on the prarrie shit!

5:25 PM  
Blogger Einstein said...

earnest - I know you are just dying to show me what second base but I must decline. I need no FURTHER education. . . although I would considering marrying you just for you hilariously funny family and of course your sassy little red BMW.

5:40 PM  
Blogger Grace said...

Comments that Grace is a prude are in no way offensive to her, just so you know. Ya'll are the ones who started the issues about "play" as Beatrix calls it. So I waited until date 10 to make out. Partly, that was for literary cohesiveness and partly that was exaggeration and partly, I think I will have died and gone to heaven if I ever actually meet a guy who would be happy to wait till date 10 for tongue. I'm not saying it'll happen...I'm definitely not holding my breath because of 1) boys 2) repression 3) alcohol. So I'm a tease, but dude, I'm worth waiting for...TRUST me. :)

I can't believe I just said that.

11:19 PM  
Blogger Grace said...

I just want to say that tongue, is the most exhasperating word to spell. And I never know if I'm spelling it right.

11:41 PM  
Blogger Earnest said...

again..."i'm worth waiting for" is something i just cant hear right now...and get some tounge or whatever you said....its just as bad as "more-than-open"...
at any rate i thought you should know i have finally decided to buy new glasses...i just take the cheapo cheese anymore...i wanted you to be the 1st to know :)
what are you going as for halloween??

4:53 PM  
Blogger Beatrix Kiddo said...

Oh, my... you girls are killing me!

Okay... in collaterally related news, I ran into an ex-crush today and wasn't attratced to him anymore. SUCH a relief. And I was with my dad and he and I had the people around us cracking up, and, well, I have to wonder.... The former persson of interest was definitely thinking, she brings the coolest potential father-in-law ever and I am an idiot....

Pity for that boy.

9:55 PM  

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